Like The River That Runs to the Sea

2005-09-28T22:10:00.000-05:00

http://melilyn.com That's all I have to say. Au revoir!

Question.

2005-09-27T23:03:00.000-05:00

Do people read and just don't comment? Or am I really talking to nobody (now that Joel's at Sukkot, haha)? edit: Okay, so the template I was using was screwy and the comments didn't work. I'm still not convinced anyone's reading! Anyhow. Still not sure on what I can and cannot say, and so I'll hold off until tomorrow. Until then? I'm sleepy. I'm going to bed. I'm counting down days until Shabbat. And I will customize this layout tomorrow. *yawn*

More on Change

2005-09-26T10:30:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was so excited because I rearranged my room. I love little changes like that. I have to finish painting my bedframe, so for the next night or two I'm just sleeping with my matress and such on the floor. This morning, I opened my eyes to look straight at my "comfy chair"... it's just a little arm chair I have in my room. But I woke up looking straight at it. I raised my head just a little bit to see my desk beyond that, against the opposite wall... and then it hit me. I subconsiously arranged my room the EXACT same way it was in Lititz right before we moved to Oklahoma. Bed in one corner next to my chair, desk along opposite wall, dresser down past the foot of my bed, closet and doorway in the same spot... it's crazy! And I didn't even notice until I woke up this morning and went "what?! It was all a dream??!" Thank God it wasn't. This past year was far too precious.

Little change is good. Big is bad.

2005-09-25T21:58:00.000-05:00

Give me until tomorrow, and then I can say what it is I need so say. As soon as that meeting is over, I'm free to tell anyone who cares to ask, and then some. But there's still a weight that hasn't been lifted yet, and won't be lifted until she knows the whole story and still loves me. I hope I hope I hope she sees that I didn't mean to put her under so much stress, and I pray that Adonai will take the blinders from her eyes so that she can see all of the reasons why. Gosh, this would make such an excellent novel. Now for the stuff you don't care about. You know what I did today? I got rid of that evil, black monstrosity of a bunk bed which has been invading my room since December when Lisa moved in. Yeah, it was fun when Lisa was here, before the felt wore out and sleeping in the top bunk involved a surf board... and then I took over the bottom once Lisa had to move out and man, she is a nice girl for not making me sleep there all that time. It's just a futon mat on metal bars... not really good for the back! But it's OUT... and my matress is just kind of on the floor until I get my bed finished being painted... so I can sorta-kinda sleep tonight. Hooray! And I'm thinking of buying a domain. What, you say... why? Well, I absolutely love all of the nitty-gritty details of web designing and graphics and such... getting involved in some deep coding problem actually relieves stress for me... takes my mind off of the daily drama. And I could put this blog on there so you can all find it better, and put the Camp Yeshua forum on there so it will be easier to find... and all of my writing, anything I want. I could even let friends have their own subdomain if they wanted for their blogs or whatever. Who knows? But I'm really looking into it... trying to think of a nice hebrew name or something. But my Hebrew isn't exactly up to par right now, and so maybe I'll go drill Joel's brain when he gets back from Sukkot!! That was the most boring update I've given in a while. Sorry.

Ooh, a personality test.

2005-09-24T15:55:00.000-05:00

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|	16%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|	16%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Physical fitness	\|\|	10%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|	16%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%

Stability results were low which suggests you are very worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

Trait snapshot: depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

take the test

Does that describe me at all?? *worried face*

God is bigger than the Boogy-man

2005-09-22T23:18:00.000-05:00

Listening to veggie tales, which was on in the next room today, when that old classic came on. "God is bigger than the boogy-man, He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV, oh, God is bigger than the boogy-man and He's watching out for you and me..." And I thought to myself, self, why is it that we can trust that He's bigger than big scary monsters but that we can't trust that he's going to provide for us? Why is it that we can trus that he's going to keep Frankencelery from gobbling us up but we can't trust that He is holding our hand and walking down the path with us? And I'm just as guilty as anyone. -- A sort of pseudo-update. My family had to make a life-changing (to me, anyhow) decision this week, and it's been causing me a lot of stress. Like, not sleeping, eating, thinking, everything. I can't go into details yet because it hasn't been actually "announced" yet, but it all comes down to what happens tomorrow night, I think. I will let you know when it all goes down, but just please... be praying for me. It's the hardest choice my family's had to make in four years, and it's one of the hardest decisions I've had to agree with. Thank you for those who have already been praying, that means so much to me...

Dear Friend

2005-09-19T17:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Friend, what's on your mind You don't laugh the way you used to But I've noticed how you cry Dear friend, I feel so helpless I see you sit in silence As you face new pain each day I feel there's nothing I can do I know you don't feel pretty Even though you are But it wasn't your beauty That found room in my heart Dear friend, you are so precious Dear Friend Dear friend, I'm here for you I know that you don't talk too much But we can share this day anew Dear Friend, please don't feel like you're alone There is someone who is praying Praying for your peace of mind Hoping joy is what you'll find I know you don't feel weak Even though you are But it wasn't your strength That found room in my heart Dear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend Stacie Orrico

Slackerrrr!

2005-09-17T12:52:00.000-05:00

Haven't updated in... how long? Last Sunday to last Wednesday I was staying with a woman in our congregation, helping her with Sukkot sewing projects and leading off a tambourine boot camp... basically, repeatedly going through tambourine patterns for those who needed a little extra. Thursday was horrible. Friday was... okay. It was a miracle I made it to services because we had literally no money for gas... we literally have no money until Tuesday when my checking account clears. But Dad had a few dollars to put some gas in his red car which will get you ninety miles on a few gallons of gas, and so Dad and Tegan and I were able to make it to services. Yay! CYF is up and running, we have just over twenty members now! Twenty members in a week is incredible, but I know there are a lot more campers who need to join. It's a lot of fun running a forum which gets more than three or four members, really. And what's going on with me, personally? UGH. Lots and lots of drama, still. And also something that I personally have been struggling with: my self-image. I got an email from a friend of mine confronting me about it, and then I had another friend last night at services who was trying to help me with it. It's conflicting reports in my brain, really. I know that He made me and that He doesn't make mistakes... but that still doesn't stop me from flinching when I look in the mirror or not even wanting to think about the way that I am and how my friends must view me. I know I need to work through this but I can't alone. Well, Shabbat shalom everyone!

CAMP YESHUA FORUMS

2005-09-10T17:56:00.000-05:00

Well, I've finally done it. I promised this to a few of you months ago, and it's finally finished and finalized. CAMP YESHUA FORUMS. This is for anyone who's been to Camp Yeshua since the first year it was held. Please forward this email to any and all campers that I may have missed... We're only able to get so many email addresses the last day of camp!! I'd really like to see this become a place of fellowship for all involved, so please, don't be shy... don't be afraid to make the first couple posts! Can't wait to see all of you join!

Pray for me...

2005-09-07T22:51:00.000-05:00

... because sometimes... prayer just doesn't come easily for me.

All in all?

2005-09-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

I'd say it's been a good day. Boring, but blissfully uneventful. This morning I tried helping Abby with her schoolwork... she's in kindergarten now and has absolutely nothing for an attention span. Which makes it difficult to learn to sound out words when she can't remember that "c" makes a "k" sound after we decided that "a" makes an "aaahh" sound and "t" makes... well... a "t" sound. When we go to put it all together, we have to start over because she's forgotten. That is why I'll never be able to teach little kids. I'll stick to middle schoolers and high schoolers. Went to the library this afternoon and got Kate and Leopold out again. If you haven't seen that movie... ohh, it's one of my favorites. When twenty-first century feminism clashes with nineteenth century gentlemen. Oh, wonderful, wonderful movie, and so I had to get it again. I also got two crochet books, so I'm going to teach myself to do all sorts of neat things tomorrow. People laugh at me because I can go from sewing to computer programming back to crocheting and not miss a beat. I'm an old-fashioned modern girl, I suppose. Go figure. Talked to Emily on the phone this evening. I actually called someone and didn't get some scary old man answering the phone. I have this tremendous fear of calling someone until I know their family. Then I don't have as much of a problem. Anyhow, we puzzled over algebra and bagels and percentages and peanuts and fractions and... um... flip-flops. Quite an interesting conversation. And now I'm waiting for Lisa to be finished her movie, though I think she's quite forgotten about me now and has probably gone to bed, which is what I should be doing instead of rambling on to a bunch of people who haven't commented in how many entries? Ah well, so goes life. I'm going to try and write tonight. Not the story idea I've been working on, but, like, poetry or something. I have so much I need to get out, and I need to vent, but I'm over-venting on my friends right now. Haha, I need to get to bed before I start getting silly, too. You don't want that.

Feeling a bit better...

2005-09-05T20:14:00.000-05:00

The situation in the previous post hasn't gotten a bit better, but my attitude about it today has. I'm not afraid that I'm going to break something anymore, which is good. New email address, by the way. caterpillar.dreams@gmail.com. It's kind of an inside-joke-metaphor that only one or two people will understand. So... email me sometime. Last night Tegan and I watched Benny and June, which is such a sweet movie. Definitely a must-see, in my opinion. Shallow, shallow, shallow! Shame on you, Mel!! But at least I'm not throwing things. Or tearing things. I'm smiling today. Why? Because I have two very awesome friends and an even more awesome God.

Romeo and Juliet

2005-09-04T17:43:00.000-05:00

So what do you do when all of a sudden you are a member of the house of Capulet, and your two best friends happen to be members of the house of Montegue? When all you want to do is live your life without everyone killing each other and themselves for no reason?

Writer's Block is the Tool of the Devil!

2005-09-03T18:14:00.000-05:00

I really want to get back into my writing again, and not just for something to do. I have not been able to write anything since I finished Greystreet Academy this spring, which is actually really odd for me. And so I've got one window open with a bunch of articles along the lines of "Curing Writers Block," "Discovering Inspiration," and "Brainstorming Ideas for Novels," and then another window with different baby-name sites. Why? Well, sometimes I stumble across a name that just... makes me think of something. And then it goes from there. The ideas I got in the past... just... don't cut it anymore. At this point in time, I love Greystreet and am pretty darn proud of it. But if I got that same idea now if I hadn't have already written it, I would shoot it down with all of the similar ideas. I want to write to make an impact, to make a point, to catch your attention and hold it... not just to tell a story. I think it's going to take a lot. Well, if I come up with anything, I'll be sure to tell you. Now the boring rundown. Let's see, nothing really tonight. Tegan and I may watch a movie, but there was nothing good at the library this week, so we may have to dig out something old. Tomorrow morning I have Shalom Jerusalem practice, and tomorrow afternoon I have tambourine practice. Peanuts! I have to get choreography worked on tonight, or else I only have a little little bit to teach everyone! Any ideas for me? Story ideas?

Q: What is your biggest fear?

2005-09-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

So I'm fickle and I change my mind a lot. No big deal. These last couple of days I've been filling up journal pages like nobody's business. It's like I need to talk, but I feel so bad dumping on people. I end up reluctantly saying things and then apoligizing forever for it. And so when I need to dump, I turn to Ha Shem and my journal, respectively. At least I'll make it to services tomorrow. I don't want to delve into all of the problems we've been going through with members of our congregation, but Mom is not going tomorrow because of it. It's just too much for me to understand, and I'm right at the edges of it. Mom and I had an interesting thought today, watching all of the news coming out of New Orleans. What is this, a week or two after disengagement over in Gaza? And now our country, which was so behind disengagement, has its own refugees. It's like Ha Shem saying "see, America? See what you have done to my people?" Highly ironic, and just a thought. I just burned my finger by brushing it against the glass my candle is sitting in. Ouch! I was filling out a survey earlier. It's all Chelsy's fault and I can't resist them. But anyhow, one of the questions was "What is your biggest fear?" Now, it's really odd because I usually just brush it aside and say my superficial fears: falling and tornadoes. Big fears, but highly superficial. And for the first time I actually thought, what is my biggest fear? And it hit me: the thing I've been worrying about a lot lately. I am scared to death of having to live all alone with twenty-two cats for the rest of my life. You laugh. I heard you. It's kind of an inside joke, but the meaning behind it should be quite clear. I'm scared that I'm going to have to be by myself forever. Scared I'm going to mess His plan up somehow and never meet the one He has intended for me. Isn't that crazy? But it seriously, really really scares me. Which is a good sign. Because that means that at least I now have hope. Which is more than I could say about me way way back at the beginning of this summer. A lot has changed, just this summer. A lot of stuff has come out, yet a lot of stuff is still hidden away. Growing up can be a scary thing!

Prayer

2005-08-31T22:48:00.000-05:00

Lord, sort through this mess of fabric scraps on my bedroom floor. I can't see what matches what and how to put it all together, but You know. You see the beautiful product in this mess on the floor. All I see is one disaster on top of another, but you see something wonderful. Help me to see, help me pick up the right pieces and throw the junk away, because I want to be who You created me to be and I don't want to mess this up on my own. Help me to know that I know that I know that You truly do care for me. Because I know it in my head but sometimes I don't know it in my heart. edit: Lord, why does it keep on getting worse? Why must I lose my friends over this when I'm not even envolved? When is it just going to straighten it out, and what can I do to fix it? I have no earthly idea, Lord, I didn't create this problem but I feel as if I need to put it all back. Fabric scraps on the floor again, and his and hers and mine are all getting jumbled up. I can't even tell which ones are real and which ones are imagined.

I got spamitized!

2005-08-30T23:12:00.000-05:00

Seriously, all of us have hit the "new post" button on one site or another, and then you end up staring at a blank box trying to figure out what it was you wanted to say in the first place. So I'll give you the boring style rundown. Tomorrow morning I'm going to wake up really early and totally annihilate my room. I'm going on this crazy neat freak thing, and my room is getting disorganized and therefore needs to die. I guess this is a good thing, because I've always been a rather sloppy person. Neat is good. And then after that, sometime tomorrow morning, I'm getting my hair cut. Layered, actually, which I've never gotten before. Definitely cool. Maybe it'll actually look nice! Nothing much significant happens Wednesdays. Thursday I have puppet rehearsal at two, and then Mom's dance practice at seven, both in town. I'm discovered that it is possible to be crazily busy and bored stiff at the same time. I'll get myself figured out eventually, really. edit: I got spammed! *sniff* So now when you comment you have to type in one of those annoying words. So sorry, but I don't feel like sifting through junk comments.

Chastised by my Abba again

2005-08-29T23:21:00.000-05:00

I've been really feeling pretty horrible about myself lately... huge self-esteem issues and just... generally hating myself. A lot of us get that way sometimes, at least I hope I'm not the only one. Anyhow, I had my radio on last night, and these two songs came on, one right after another. And I"m glad that I stopped feeling sorry for myself long enough to listen to the words:

"Plain" - ZoeGirl He made you feel plain When he forgot your name Well let me tell you something, I have felt the same. I know you're in pain But there'll be another Boy along the way and God he made you beautiful and There's nothing about you thats plain. [CHORUS] You are jewel you're a treasure You are one of a kind And you shine just as bright As the stars in the sky You're a rare kind of wonder Created just right So keep your head up no matter the pain Theres nothing about you thats plain You tell me you're not the type The kind of girl that they like And your a little insecure about How you look in their eyes. Well fashion will change, Trends come and go everyday, But God only made one of you and There's nothing about you thats plain [CHORUS] You are a jewel you're a treasure You are one of a kind and You shine just a bright as The stars in the sky. You're a rare kind of wonder created just right So keep your head up no matter the pain Theres nothing about you thats plain. See your mind, it is precious Though your heart may be restless And your eyes they will see All that you're meant to be 'Cause your spirit is strong And your soul carries on You'll keep your head up no matter the pain There's nothing about you that's plain You know I've had my days, When I feel out of place....yea I look at who I am, Cover what I can , I wish it all would change. But... Take the makeup away You see the same girl still remains.. She may not feel that beautiful But theres nothing about her thats plain. [CHORUS] You are jewel you're a treasure You are one of a kind And you shine just as bright As the stars in the sky You're a rare kind of wonder Created just right so keep Your head up no matter the pain Theres nothing about you thats plain You may have felt plain, But...God, He knows your name Let me tell you something, yeah... There's nothing about you that's plain

"Who Am I" - Casting Crowns Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You're I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean A vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours, I am Yours Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise again Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me I am Yours Whom shall I fear Whom shall I fear 'Cause I am Yours I am Yours

Well, Abba, I've been chastised. I now know that I need to see me as YOU see me, not as I see me.

Facelift?

2005-08-29T18:17:00.000-05:00

And so I changed the site around a bit. Went with something more default instead of my butterflies and green swirlies and such. Yes, it's boring now, but who cares what it looks like? It's what's inside that counts. If only people could think that way about other people. What have I been up to? Well... keeping myself busy. Which isn't too hard in this pre-sukkot season. I got my Tambourine II book, so I'm able to finish choreography for the tambourine troupe. I am really happy with the way it's been coming together. We're doing the song "Stand up and Give Him the Praise" by Paul Wilbur (which is an awesome song, if you've ever heard it), and put that together with the tambouriners praising Him... I think it's just going to be awesome. If we get it all together in time. And if poor Paul can hear himself sing over us! I've got some sewing I want to get started on this evening and then I think I'm going to work on the master Sukkot list. I've been stealing all of Ann's work so I have something to do. But... I shall survive. edit: Oh man! For any of you who were at camp, and even for those of you that weren't... If any of you heard Sady sing at camp, or heard about it, she now has some of her songs online!! http://www.myspace.com/keziyah. Man, that girl can sing!

Shame on me!

2005-08-28T22:30:00.000-05:00

I must admit, I have been a total and complete jerk to my friends the last couple of days. I've been completely self-centered, most of the time only thinking about myself. Feeling sorry for myself. It has been a tough week because of not getting to go to college after all, and being totally up in the air over my job and my car and my dance rehearsals and everything... and every once in a while I go through these totally anti-Melanie stages where I totally and completely hate myself. This was one of those weeks. I'm hoping it will wear off and I'll get over it, just like I do every other time... but... it has been just one of those weeks where I can't stand to live with myself, look at myself, deal with myself. I just... need a lot of prayer. I wish I could say more, but I've been hurt by saying too much on these blogs. Humph.

First impressions and self image

2005-08-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

Things that truly hit me in the face today. Partially because of something I read... and partially just from, well, thinking. So honestly. Be one million bazillion percent honest and truthful: what was your first impression of yours truly?

If it's not one thing, it's another

2005-08-24T22:39:00.000-05:00

Just when everything seems to be straightened out again, it starts up. Again. But worse. I hate naming names online, but... there's been a LOT of stress this year with the dancers for Sukkot. Maybe it's because we realized just how important (spiritually) that the dance can be, that the enemy is now attacking us full-on. Phooey on Satan. Seriously. Tomorrow is puppet practice. And I actually "get to" be in it again this year, because I'm not going to be off at college. I was totally basking in my role as assistant director without having to get behind stage and do all the work. But now because college has been postponed, not only am I still assistant director, but I'm, like, head puppeteer. And then it's He Is My Defense practice. It's really a shame, because I love that song and I love that dance, but it just seems to be a bad song for me. Last year there was the whole Sharon issue and how I ended up intimidating/offending her the whole time... and now this year I feel like I have to play mediator between Mom and her friends. Explain to Mom that no, they really aren't crazy and maybe we can do things this way, and explain to the other ladies that no, it's not them, Mom gets this way when she's mad and the best thing they can do is just let her sulk and get over it. It's tough always being able to see things both ways. Walking the fence. Mom told me something that Mary apparently says every time they talk on the phone (like, everyday). "One of these days, sometime soon, some lucky young man is going to come along and discover Melanie..." And I had to laugh. Because first of all, it may not even happen (I would be more surprised if it did, honestly), and second of all, even if it did, it won't be anytime soon. I fully expect Tegan to be married before I am. I fully expect to have twenty-two cats and name them after the letters of the aleph-bet and live by myself until I'm old and grey. No big deal. I'd rather be surprised if it did happen than shocked and disappointed when it doesn't. Does that make any sense? Has anyone heard of / seen Max Lucado's "Hermie," by any chance? It's a goofy little kid's movie that Steve and Abby got out of the library, but, like any of Max Lucado's kids' books, it's actually quite full of meaning. It's about this caterpillar named Hermie who keeps seeing all of these awesome bugs around him, like strong ants, beautiful ladybugs, and wise snails, and wishing he could be something special like them, instead of just a plain old caterpillar. And he asks God, "why didn't you make me special and unique?" And God keeps answering, "I'm not done with you yet!" That really gave me something to think about, especially with the way I look at myself. Honestly, I hate myself. If I was somebody else, I would not be friends with me. And I'm not just making that up. And I'm constantly finding myself wishing, "why can't I be so full of God's joy, like Ann? Why can't I be so focused, like Becky?"... etc and so forth. I'm not done with you yet! says God.

Help, I'm turning into a girl!

2005-08-22T23:27:00.000-05:00

What do I do to relieve stress? Well, I still dive into some crazy webdesign scheme. It's very mind-relieving to get lost in coding. But I find myself getting rid of stress in other ways: sewing, crocheting, and going into super-cleanup mode. Isn't that crazy? Especially the cleaning thing. I can't stand to clean, but somehow it relieves stress. I think I'm going all girly on you now. Did you know that I haven't written anything in months? Not since I finished Greystreet. Oops, sorry, mistake. I wrote one poem which didn't do me any good anyway. It was supposed to vent a certain emotion and get rid of it... and well, I still think the very same way. No stories, no poetry, not even any good ideas. And journal writing has been hazy at best. But I finally finished my old journal and got a new one... I've already written a page and a half, just today. This is a good sign, I think. But there's a certain vague feeling I want to get out right now and can't. I can't say it, I can't write it, I can't poet-ize it... I'm having one of those failure-ish days. I'm not even using real words. And I also feel like I'm not a very good friend. For a lot of different reasons. I always take take take, and never have anything to give back. And if I do this to you I'm terribly sorry. I'm a loser and I know it. I'm off to bed as soon as I read something a good friend of mine wrote. Should be ego crushing.

Everything is Insane

2005-08-20T21:15:00.000-05:00

First of all:

Some of you may know about the trouble I am having with getting funds for college and, well, just getting college started in general. I wasn't home this week from Sunday morning to late Thursday night because of an emergency babysitting job, and I had to deal with my funds from there. It's been one thing after another... court orders, accounts that were wrong, and now I find out, certain important records that have been destroyed. Destroyed! So between that and I wasn't home at all the week before I was supposed to move up to college, I started thinking that maybe the Lord was trying to tell me something. He puts roadblocks into place for a reason, and I'm thinking that I need to wait a semester. So I'm not starting classes at UCO on Monday after all. I'm going to focus on getting more financial aid outside of what I have to go through my grandfather to get, get a job, work on driving, save up, refresh my german... and wait until next semester. I hope none of you are mad at me for making this choice. I'm really bummed out and frustrated about this right now, to the point of being physically sick, and right now I just need a lot of prayer and support.

That's the first and foremost. And on top of that, the Sukkot rush has begun in earnest; everyone is stressed out and mad at everyone else right now. Sukkot stress is what causes bad things to happen. Two years ago our congregation split a month before Sukkot, and last year a major family left after Sukkot because of something that happened there, causing us to lose several important members and an elder. Crazy, crazy. I'm trying not to stress. I'm trying to let my mom's stress roll right off of me. It's so not working. I just have to keep remembering that people still love me (don't know why) and that there are friends of mine who have it so much worse right now. And maybe I have to exist to be there for them. Just pray.

Messages to anyone

2005-08-06T21:09:00.000-05:00

I did this once, a long long time ago. What do you do? You write out messages to any number of people (last time I did ten) of things that you have always wanted to tell them but were too afraid to, or things that just never get said, or whatever. But the thing is, you don't say their name. Works for everyone, no? Here I go. 1. You seem to be two different people, and it perplexes me. To the world you are scarred, sad, and bruised... yet to me you seem somehow more alive. You're a beautiful girl and I only wish you could see yourself as such. 2. Maybe I never told you this, but you are the one person who has the innate ability to make me jealous, all of the time. Everything you ever did was better than me; you never tried and you were loved for it. I though I had it all down until I met you, and then you used the very same things I did to race past me without ever knowing. But you know what? I love you anyway. Because I know you understand this stuff. 3. My gosh, girl, I wish I had what you have. Such a plan for the future, and it's looking beautiful. I know you've been through a lot in this area of life, and I wish you SO much blessing in this future! 4. I haven't technically known you for very long, but we hit it off so well. I haven't laughed so hard in such a long time... and I swear, you'd do anything to make me laugh that hard again. 5. For the longest time you were just... well, someone on the side. I didn't really know you as a person. And, well, then I had to, and now I consider you a best friend. And I've only got two or three. You've seen the ugly side of me and the ugly side of what I deal with day to day, and somehow you still love me, even though there's not a whole lot you're getting out of this whole deal. And you're always there to help me keep my focus, and I could never thank you enough for that. 6. I can honestly say that you originally brought me out of my shell. I don't even remember having that much of a personality before I met you. You showed me that you could have fun while still being serious about life; you helped me realize that I truly don't care about what people are thinking about me. And you're still interested in my life, which blesses me more than I could say. 7. Watching you mature in your faith and in your day-to-day life is like watching you succeed everywhere I failed in my friendships with others. You are so sweet and encouraging, even when it's not all going good for you either. 8. Well, I never had a whole lot to say to you, though I probably should sometime in the next couple years. And I don't know how to say this without giving you away, but you had better take care of my best friend. Or I'll come after you and sic my cats on you. 9. I can't even bear to look at you now, and that's sad... for both of us. We reached a fork in the road; you took one way and I took the other. I guess I tried to be stupid and still hold hands while we walked down our separate roads, but they got too far apart and now I can't even see you through the trees. Silly me... and silly you too. 10. It took me such a long time to see that I was at fault and not you, and it was difficult watching you when you seemed not to care. It seemed there at the end that it had all been smoothed over, but I know now that it will never be. And at this point, I don't want it to ever be the same, becuase I'm so stiff-necked... I'd probably make the same mistake again. 11. I'm sure that you think that I'm boring, though you say you don't. Do you want to know the reason why I don't come out of my shell when I'm hanging out with you? It's because I value you too much as a friend. You're one of my "three favorite girls" in the world, and I don't want my immaturity to ruin that. Yeah, I'm mature for my age, but I am five years younger than you and my age shows. So please don't discredit me too fast. I'm just acting eighteen, and I love you too much to ruin everything. 12. At this point, dear, you're number one of my three most favorite girls. It would take me pages and pages to go through every way that you've blessed me... but then I do that every week and I won't go through it again. I wasn't kidding that first week I knew you when I said we had known each other forever... and now that you're starting to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in me, I really treasure you as a best friend. Because you, like your sister, just keep on loving me, though I don't deserve it one little bit. I know that I can tell you almost anything and you won't laugh, and I can be stupid and embarrass you in front of important people (accidentally!!) and you still don't disown me. You have blessed me in more ways than I thought humanly possible, just by living out your life before me, focused and so sure of yourself... and I can't even finish because I'll bore everyone else. *phew*. Not telling who is who, but the last time I did this I had people guess...

I really wonder about myself sometimes...

2005-08-06T13:10:00.000-05:00

For someone who always feels like they're tagging along, I sure tag along a lot. For someone who is sick of putting on a happy face, I sure say "yes" a lot when asked if I'm okay. And for someone who can put my feelings down so well into writing, I sure do bluster and stonewall in person. Sheesh.

Money is the World's Curse

2005-08-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

Perchik was right. I think it was Perchik who said it, anyhow. More issues with financial stuff. When will it ever end? Now I have to get a court order saying "Hey, I'm eighteen now, can I please have my trust fund?" They don't believe my birth certificate, my social security information, or my drivers liscense. Phooey on them. Spent a good amount of today doing choreography, looking into the dance shoes I need to get, looking into the tambourine book I need to order, all of that good stuff. Meanwhile, Mom went out with Ann and Beth and Mary (I feel like I'm making up names... honest, my mom's name is Bonnie, not Jane!) and bought stuff for costumes and all. Looks like I see sewing all-nighters in the near future. Talk about something ELSE for a change!!

2 1/2 months!

2005-08-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

That's how long it is until Sukkot, can you believe it? And I'm already geared up and ready. Sometimes I think that I'm more excited for Sukkot than I am for college... which one one hand is probably not smart, but on the other hand, which is going to be more important in the Kingdom? Kind of puts things into perspective... that once Yeshua comes, good grades and impressive classes aren't going to matter. And.... Nahh, I won't bore you with all of the crazy things that go flying through my head. BUT. One thing that really has been worrying me is my second day of college. Sure, first day is the one that you should be worried about, but looking at my schedule, I'm not too worried about a freshman English class, a general Biology class, and college algebra. What worries me is Intermediate German. Because I've taken four full years of German as a high schooler, I was able to skip the first two german classes required for my major. And so I'm going straight to Intermediate german. I'm not worried about the entire class... I know that not speaking it for a full year and then a summer, it'll eventually come back

Okay, one more time...

2005-08-01T16:31:00.000-05:00

Spent the entire day trying to learn tambourine pattern after tambourine pattern... twenty in all. As a team we know about ten, as myself I had known a few more... all from the "beginner" patterns. And I have a video of all four full dances, trying to pull out patterns from intermediate, advanced, and advanced II! Twenty patterns. Now rewind and do it again. And again. All of this has to go (nicely) to the song "Stand up and Give Him the Praise" by Paul Wilbur, which is actually a fun song. And then I have to teach it to ten other people, seven or eight of who first picked up a tambourine for the first time in their lives just two and a half weeks ago. But I'm up for it. It will be amazing; the only Messianic tambourine dance team, doubling in number every year. We get to worship with Miriam in the kingdom! Now I'm listening to the song "Shalom Jerusalem" over and over again. We're doing it for sukkot, which I really had been feeling led to do before Ann ever mentioned it. That song is just... wow. Well, I have to go get showered and all so I can go with Mom to this evening's Sukkot meeting. How fun!

Enough worries, thanks!

2005-07-31T23:02:00.000-05:00

Pictures! I finally got into the scanner and got some pictures from camp scanned. You can find them here: http://photobucket.com/albums/b342/melanielynne/Camp%202005 And I got one comment. Thanks Joel! I don't think a lot of you realize that anyone can post a comment, even and especially if you don't have an account here. Nahh, I think just a lot of people didn't follow me over from xanga. Didn't do a whole lot today. Straightened up my room and got a bunch of stuff organized. I've been a bit sloppier this summer than I normally am. My usually tidy room has a bit more strewn all over the place, and it's driving me nuts. However, I'll have this silly "messy" thing out of my system in time to have a nice, neat dorm room. My lucky roomate. We watched "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" today. I absolutely adore musicals, in case you didn't know, and that's one of my favorites. Under "Newsies," of course. And "Singing in the Rain" which, for some odd reason, reminds me of the night at camp that Becky and I were acting silly and bursting into song all over the place. But bursting into song is fun. Tomorrow I get to go to a sukkot meeting. Sukkot is so close! So the next couple months are going to be hectic. I get to spend a majority of this week coming up with choreography for tambourines, which will be loads of fun. It's my absolute most favorite part. Oh, that and probably going "window shopping" for fabric again. Mom and I went to Hancock's and Walmart looking for fabric for our skirts for tambourine and had an absolute blast. It's been a while since Mom and I could just go out without little siblings along. Tegan starts eighth grade tomorrow, and Stephen starts second. And Abby starts kindergarten, if anyone can keep her in a chair long enough! It's weird not starting school with everyone else, especially with homeschooling, but I'll get my chance at college soon enough. I'm exciting and ready to go! And I'm not going to worry. I'm too melancholic when it comes to that. I'm going to take the advice given to me: yiyeh b'seder.

Just another update, I suppose

2005-07-30T23:30:00.000-05:00

I got information back from Housing, finally! I'll be in West Hall, B16. It's in the B hall, which is Lauren's hall, but they split the B-hall in half, so she's not the one in charge of the part of the hall I'm in. However, when I went up to visit Lauren when I spent the day with Ann, she was in... B11 or something close to it? Anyhow, I at least have a pretty good idea of where I am in West Hall. But I got into it! Now what I have to do, to get into Monday's mail, is this Residency Packet. Basically I have to prove to them, without a shadow of a doubt, that even though I had only lived here for about seven months when I applied to UCO, that I've now been an Oklahoma resident for a year and a month, and so they really don't need to charge me the two thousand dollar non-resident fee. That will take my costs for this semester and practically cut it in HALF! Let me double check... I got an automated message from UCO saying that my current fees are 4,600, and that includes housing and meals. I believe! But take two thousand off for non-resident fees? Oh that can't be right, that's TOO cheap. I'll get it straightened out. One way or another, and hopefully this time it won't involve a meltdown. And speaking of meltdowns (this is turning into a total rant post, now, isn't it?), my grandfather is impossible. Because he's a lawyer, he got put in charge of my trust fund when I got it so long ago... well, now he's "working so hard" to get the account closed and the money out here to me, because that's what I'm pretty much depending on at this point to get me through the first year of college, but he's just "so busy" and "his diabetes is acting up again" and did he mention how he's "so busy?" I mean, this is my grandfather... judges used to call him up and tell him that the hearing (or whatever lawyers do) was scheduled for nine in the morning in hopes that he'd show up by two in the afternoon when it really started. He's notorious for being late. So that's why I told him that I needed the money by the first week of August... in hopes that I'd have it by the twentieth, when it needs to be in. And I have to call him every single day and do this "damsel in distress" act just to remind him, again, that I'm still down here in the boonies of Oklahoma, needing him to help me. Oh, it's frustrating! Okay, I've ranted enough. Happy thoughts! Cassandra showed up at our house this evening after walking from the park... so I've got this great camp CD filled with video she took from camp, and I haven't watched it yet. I should dig out my headphones and watch, no? Anyhow, we might go over to her house tomorrow so that Mom can take some stuff to her, and then we have to teach Robin "He is my Defense." I find it absolutely hilarious that I ended up knowing that dance better than some of the ladies in it. But that's another story and not one I'd like to tell. OH! About a week and a half ago, I was listening to Paul Wilbur's "Shalom Jerusalem" CD. And of course, the song "Shalom Jerusalem", which is an absolutely beautiful song. And as I was listening, I was just feeling led to do this dance. Ann has a tape from some dancers in Florida, and this is one of the dances they do... with long white dresses and these white veils... ohh, it's just gorgeous. And powerful. Well, I was really feeling that we needed to do this for Sukkot... and not just "oh! We should do this for Sukkot!"... it was more like, I'm going to call Ann and ask her for the video, and if she doesn't have any more time, I'll learn the dance and teach people. I really felt that we should do this. Well, I was looking over her shoulder on Friday night, and she had "Shalom Jerusalem" penciled in, maybe Monday night? And I asked her if she was thinking about doing it, and she said that she IS. And I may get to be in it. Annnd... this isn't official, of course, but we may get to do tambourine when Paul Wilbur is there. Awesome!

"Butterfly" by Nicole C. Mullen

2005-07-30T21:29:00.000-05:00

Yeah, see the layout? It was inspired by a song I've been listening to recently, and I'd like to share the lyrics with you. But before I say it, I'd like to share something a close friend of mine shared with me in a letter just yesterday. She was saying about how everyone has this box with beautiful paper and ribbons that they get to open someday, like finding your husband. And if we open it too early, we're just going to find a crawly little caterpillar. But if we wait until exactly the right time, we're going to open this beautiful package to find what she called a "beautifully handsome, Torah-learned, spiritually-stable flying, the confidence to lead a family, the knowledge and skill to provide..." butterfly!! And so with that said.

Not yet a woman and certainly not a child But I was caught somewhere in the middle On that one Friday afternoon And I, I remember mama saying, "It's time for you to go Go out on and change the world and become All that you have dreamed of" And as the tears that she was crying Fell from her face and shoulders she said "Don't forget who you are child, where you Come from, where you're goin' 'Cause I'm always gonna be here for you Fighting in your corner So with every bow you take Take one for those that came before you" (Chorus) Fly, Fly Butterfly Fly Stand upon these two shoulders of mine Spread those wings of yours and fly Now I'm a woman and I've got a child And I can't believe the day's gonna come When she tells me that it's time to soar And I don't know what I'm gonna do Not sure what I'm gonna tell her Maybe don't forget who you are child Where you come from, where you're going 'Cause I'm always gonna be here for you Fighting in your corner So with every bow you take Take one for those that came before ya (Chorus) There is something sacred About the letting go of those we want to hold So tightly to, but somehow we know They must move on On for those who have a dream to make our future better And on for those who will earn their wings In spite of wind and weather You tell 'em love is waiting there Forever in their corner So with every bow they take They'll take one for those that came before them (Chorus)

Exit summer, enter tambourines

2005-07-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

Yep, tambourine "practice" starts tonight. Our team is rather frustrating. Last year, we had Denise as the leader, and then Mary, Mom, Tegan and I. Denise really can't do it anymore, and so we really don't have a leader. Mary leads it in name and I lead in actuality, I think sometimes. And now, to add to the four of us, we have one lady joining from our congregation, neighbors of Mary's that we've never really met, a nine year old boy, a nine year old girl, and an eleven year old boy. All who do not know a single pattern. Oh, and a thirteen year old girl who just wants to be onstage during sukkot. Mom has knee problems and Mary has shoulder problems, which really keeps us from doing a lot of the "dance" moves that really brings tambourine to life. I'm sorry because it sounds like I'm complaining... maybe I am a little, but I really do enjoy tambourine sometimes. Sometimes. Just not during the shabbat medley. Waiting to hear back on housing still. I had to send a bunch of extra information in, and so hopefully they have everything they need. I'm terrified that West Hall may be filled up. That's really the only housing option I can afford, and if my grandfather doesn't get moving, I won't even be able to afford that. Phooey on real life.

May I rant? Of course I may.

2005-07-20T23:08:00.000-05:00

May I rant? Oh please oh please? All I heard the entire two hours driving back from camp (with two other people in the car, too) was how wonderful life was at home without Tegan and I. How the house stayed clean (that's debatable), about how Mom didn't have any "anger problems" whhile we were gone (which is not what I heard) and about how Dad had less headaches (whoopie). Life without Melanie and Tegan was apparently wonderful. And that's all we heard for two hours, taking our "camp high" and stomping it into the ground. As if that wasn't bad enough, life has been absolutely miserable this week. No matter what I choose, it's the wrong choice. For example (petty as it may sound): Every morning, we empty the dishwasher and get it running again. At the same time, Mom (every morning without fail) wants to cook her eggs for breakfast. And every morning, we get in each other's way and Mom explodes. And so we try doing the dishwasher earlier; Mom gets hungry earlier. We try waiting the dishwasher an extra ten minutes while Mom gets her eggs... and then we're such terrible slackers, totally taking advantage of Mom's every move, using her as an excuse not to get chores done, making her into the bad guy, or whatever the catch phrase for the week happens to be. So either way, whatever I choose, it's the wrong choice. Without fail. It's summer vacation. I just graduated high school, I'm getting ready for college... and every other girl across the country in the same shoes is having a good time this summer. A little R and R before they begin the college grind. For me? Not so. If I sit down for a few minutes to read a chapter out of my library book, they demand to know what I'm doing and proceed to invent some chore or another because I should be "doing something." If I sit down at my computer and want to mess around with graphics for a little bit, they threaten to take away my computer, or at least my internet time. That's another thing: internet time. It's severely restricted. At least they haven't gotten to the "plugged for enough time to download mail" point yet, but I only get about an hour and a half every day. And since I'm at home all week except for services Friday night, that's my social time. That's my research time, that's my production time. I have friendships that need to be maintained in that hour and a half, things I need to look up, sites and forums that need to be kept up with. Yeah, it's the internet life I choose, and it can't always be done in the hour and a half that comes "after bedtime." And they constantly want to take that away. Dad's convinced I'm going to fail out of college. Thanks for the support, Dad. Anyone who truly knows me knows that I operate best under pressure. That's why I'm a procrastinator. It's not really because I'm lazy, it's because my best work comes out at the last minute. When it's down to the line and I still want things to be perfect. Yeah, I realize that's not smart and I'm working on it, but that's the way I operate. I have to know what's going on ahead of time (that's why I hate surprises) and how everything is going to work. I'm a total melancholic; everything has to be worried over and analyzed, whether it happens or not. In this unstructured world of homeschooling, I'm dying. I can't function, and it looks like I'm slacking. I'm totally not, but with how everything just... happens... I can't function. College will be wonderful: a tight schedule and important deadlines once again. But because I lost track of time this afternoon, Dad thinks I'm going to fail college. Oh, and that's the other thing. Mel's too much of a slacker to get a job. So not true! At this point, can you see me getting a job? First of all, I'd have to quit in a month. Second of all, how am I going to get there? We have one family car which Dad has to take to work every day since his motercycle broke down completely. There is one reasonable job within walking distance, yes, working at the Citgo up the street... but in order to apply for the job you have to go to the main Citgo at the other end of town in the middle of the day Tuesday. And I can't get there. There is one other place I could go, if I rode with Lisa which she totally said I could, and that's the outreach thrift store in Norman. I asked about working there; they said they don't need me. There's not enough work. Yeah, so that's why Lisa HAS to work full time now (they just needed her so bad), that's why Cassandra can't quit, and that's why thirteen-year-old Sarah gets to work there. Hello? Thirteen year old girls don't need jobs. Girls who are trying to get college taken care of totally do. But hey, they don't need my help. My entire life is on hold right now, waiting for my grandfather to get funds released and a car driven down. While everyone else is taking off, I'm stuck here at home, getting yelled at for no reason, getting judged on circumstantial evidence, so on and so forth.

A whopping six days until camp

2005-07-04T17:51:00.000-05:00

And I am so excited. My skirt is finished (I'll have to post a picture with me in it sometime, of course), and I just need to find a shirt that'll look okay with it... my usual white or black just isn't going to cut it. The skirt is denim and orange/yellow/blue/red tye dye, and it's incredible. I've got this gorgeous pile of stuff across the bottom bunk which consists of all of these things I'm taking to camp... but I remembered to get my suitcase out of Lisa's trunk, so I can actually start putting things in. I put two and two together over at the Newlin's and realized that the two people I'm hosting for camp are actually people I know. Brain fart, honest. I should have realized that sooner. I need to cut this short, I'm headed to walmart to pick up a t-shirt for me and material for a skirt for Tegan. Over and out.

Housing... and I hope I'm not too late!

2005-07-03T22:32:00.000-05:00

I have to send in my housing stuff tomorrow... and seeing as how tomorrow's the fourth of July, I honestly hope it's not too late. Dad says it's not... but then again, he wouldn't know. So we'll see. I requested Lauren's hall, which would be really neat, but so late into the summer I don't expect to get in. So you're seeing me start right in the middle of preparation. College starts in a month and a half, give or take, and 1) I don't have my funds from Grandpop yet, 2) those funds are only going to last so long, 3) I still don't have a car 4) or a job 5) I'm still freaking out, getting stuff ready for camp, and 6) I don't have my housing stuff in. I swear, if I make it to college, it'll be a miracle. Surviving it, on the other hand, may prove to be tricky. As soon as the new "school year" starts, I'm thinking about quitting xanga. I honestly can't stand updating for the sake of updating. I want to be subscription free, totally having the option to write when I want to write. Until then? I'll keep doing it. And I'll tell my close xanga friends that I'm over here now.